Mother’s Day
This is my first Mother’s Day. This year, this day takes on a whole new meaning for me. The last thirteen years, this day has been a sad day for me. Today, it still is. But now it’s bittersweet. I may be a new mama with a baby in my arms to love on and who has given me a reason to celebrate. But I’m still a daughter without a mom to hug and celebrate with. Fortunately though, my mom lives on in my heart and as the little guardian angel on my shoulder.
I thought it would be interesting to look back on a post that I wrote in 2015 for Mother’s Day and share parts of it that still resonate with me today.
“Mother’s Day, we meet again. Mother’s Day. A day usually celebrated with flowers, cards, chocolates and lots of love. A day that is typically celebrated to honor our amazing moms as well as all the wonderful women in our lives. For most it’s a day of love, laughter, and gratitude for the women that gave us life. For some, like me, it’s some of that. But, it’s also a day of sadness and tears. It’s a reminder of the empty place that belongs to her. Some years, I feel like it gets easier and other years, like this year, it feels just as hard as the year I lost her.”
Yes, it hurts everyday to not have my mom here with me. Especially now that I’m a mom myself. This transition has been hard without her. I wish nothing more to have her here to help guide me and to know Elena. But, I had fifteen wonderful years with her and for that I will always be grateful.
In past years, I have felt guilty for feeling jealous about seeing mothers and daughters celebrating Mother’s Day together because they have something that I don’t. I still feel those pangs a bit but, this year it’s different. I feel so much love for her and gratitude. My mom left a legacy on how to treat others and has influenced certain parts of the the kind of relationship I want to have with Elena.
If I’m being completely honest, when I was pregnant, I hoped and prayed for a boy. Not because I didn’t want a girl but because I was scared to have a girl. I was scared knowing the connection I had with my mom and wanting that with my own baby. But at the same time being afraid that something would happen to me and I’d leave my baby with the same pain and sadness I’ve experienced.
In all of this though, there’s healing. The universe knew I needed a girl and I was blessed with the sweetest, most beautiful baby girl. Hand picked by her Grandma Mel (and Auntie V helped too, I’m sure). For all of it, I’m so grateful. She may not be here physically but I know she’s never too far and she never fails to remind us especially in the moments it’s needed the most. And now a piece of her will live on in Elena. There’s a reason her middle name is Noel…
“As I sit here writing this, it’s been hard to find the right words… My mom taught me how to love others and that is a daily reminder of the goodness she had in her heart and reminds me that I’ll always have a soft place to land whenever I may need it. I’ve learned that it’s ok to not be okay, and today I’m not okay. I know I’m not alone in having these feelings on Mother’s Day because I’m not the only one. I hope my words can take place of the flowers that I can’t give or the conversation that I can’t have with my mom but I know I’m loved and surrounded by the best family and friends that I could have ever imagined. That in itself, makes today a little bit easier.”
Those last few sentences still ring true and always will. Both my mom and dad fostered wonderful relationships with wonderful people as we were growing up and because of that I’m surrounded by an amazing tribe of people who help make this day a little bit easier. That has also taught me the importance of creating and maintaining those connections and it’s one of the many things that I hope to instill in Elena.
To Elena, thank you for making me a mama. I love that you chose me, that you chose both your dad and me. I don’t even remember what life was like before you joined us. Our life is so much sweeter and brighter with you in it. I love nothing more than being your mom and can’t wait to see what the future will bring and for all the adventures that we will have.
To all the wonderful, strong, amazing women in my life; Happy Mother’s Day. And to all you mamas out there, Happy Mother’s Day. You are all superheroes. I am thankful for each and every one of you.
